Emotional Regulation
Child’s emotional outburst
Some adult clients coming for help to heal their wounded Inner Child want to become less harsh, less negative and less defensive in their immediate reactions to feeling mistreated. If you identify with that goal, this module is for you.
An employee can easily gain a bad reputation as a “hothead” or a “b____”. Word of their behavior spreads easily and can alienate people who then don’t want to work with that person. Getting a reputation for being difficult can happen overnight. Living down that reputation could take months, if not years.
Blowing up at a colleague or responding sarcastically is never a good tactic for communicating your frustration or impatience with someone.
As a child, was any of the following behavioral involving emotional abuse such as the following:
- yelling and screaming among the family
- your Dad threatening your Mom with divorce in front of you and your siblings
- your Dad chasing your Mom and leveling verbal abuse..
This emotional abuse has continued to cause you emotional pain, to interfere with your relationships with your wife and daughter, and to leave you with a damaged sense of yourself as bad, unworthy, and unlovable.
The emotional pain you suffered which wounded your Inner Child is likely the root cause of your challenges in your marriage–seeing Diane as an adversary and with being a parent–butting heads with Olive similar to your Dad butting heads with you over grades, your friends. Your parents never really accepted each other for who they are and you have some of the same…
Your behavior stems from the emotional disregulation that started in your childhood. You lack the effective management of and response to your emotional experiences that define emotional regulation. Your parents never taught you about emotions and how to express and deal with them.
You recognize that emotional regulation is an important part of mental and physical well-being, and so learning to emotionally regulate is a part of your desire to heal your Wounded Inner Child, and develop a healthy Inner Child for you to cherish, support, and love.
The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill that you can learn. For example, you can learn that when you feel provoked by something someone did or said to or about you (like you Mom), you can pause to collect your thoughts before responding. Pause and take a nice deep breath to help you relax and think clearly. Or you can decide to wait until you get into a supportive environment, like the privacy of your office or go on a walk, to process tough feelings. And there are occasions when it is appropriate to hide your sadness and fear–occasions when expressing the sadness through crying or expressing the fear by fleeing or freezing, would not serve you or those around you.
Another way to emotionally regulate is to reframe or rethink challenging situations to reduce your anger or anxiety. One example that comes to mind is how you have seen the ongoing investigation of you at work regarding a discrimination charge as a “golden nugget” for you in it. You see this as a learning experience that is causing you to “see your own bottomless pit of pain” and to recognize that you can be judgmental, harsh, and too black and white, which you have said are tendencies you need to work through to be an effective leader.
By investing the time, focus, and energy into improving your emotional regulation skills, you can benefit by enriching your personal and professional relationships. Here are some of those skills to master:
- Create a space (e.g. an environment) where you can go to process your emotions before responding. To do that, you need to pause. Take a breath. Slow down the moment between trigger and response
- Notice what feelings you are having in your body when you are emotionally aroused. The ability to become aware of what you’re feeling is an important part of emotional regulation. Ask yourself what physical symptoms are you having? Where are they–upset stomach, tension in your neck, accelerated breathing?Your physical symptoms can be clues to what you are experiencing emotionally. Inquiring into what is happening to you physically can also distract your focus and allow some of the intensity of the emotion to go away.
- Name what you feel
After noticing what you feel, try to name it; that can help you get control of what is happening. Ask yourself: what would you call the emotions you’re feeling? Is it anger, sadness, disappointment, or resentment? What else is it? One strong emotion that often hides beneath others is fear.
You may feel more than one emotion at a time, so don’t hesitate to identify multiple emotions you might be feeling, such as anger and resentment, sadness and disappointment. Then dig a little deeper. If you feel fear, what are you afraid of? If you feel anger, what are you angry about or toward? Being able to name your emotions will help you get one step closer to sharing your emotions with others, such as your partner, therapist or coach.
- Accept the emotion
Remind yourself that emotions are a normal and natural part of life– they are how we respond to situations. Beating yourself up for feeling angry or scared just makes things worse and contributes to your self-loathing, lack of self-trust, and self-care. Instead, try to practice self-compassion and know that having emotions is part of what it is to be alive and human.
- Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness helps us “live in the moment” by paying attention to what is inside us and what is going on around us. Use your senses to notice what is happening within you and around you in nonjudgmental ways. These skills can help you stay calm and avoid engaging in negative thought patterns when you are having emotional pain.
By practicing the emotional regulation skills, you can become more adept at regulating your emotions, understanding your emotional patterns, figuring out the triggers, and creating healthy coping behaviors to deal with your emotions constructively. In doing so, you will enhance rather than detract from your personal and professional relationships and develop self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-esteem and self-love.
